


When they stop laughing, you know you should stop joking

by gonattsaga



Series: Laugh all the way to the show [2]
Category: British Comedy RPF, Would I Lie To You? RPF
Genre: Cheating, Closeted!Lee Mack, Episode Related, Established Relationship, Gay!David Mitchell, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Secret Relationship, Smoking, WILTY Reference, in the closet, ultimatum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-07
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 19:28:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/752166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonattsaga/pseuds/gonattsaga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee experiences some feelings of jealousy and finds them hard to contain. Set during and after the recording of episode 2 in series 5, which featured Robert Webb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When they stop laughing, you know you should stop joking

**Author's Note:**

> In this series, David Mitchell is homosexual and everyone but the public knows this so he's not really in the closet. (I didn't want to drag awesome VC into things, I already felt bad about writing in Lee's wife in the other fics in this series–who incidentally only shares her first name and her husband with the character I'm portraying!)

 

Lee arrives late to the studio and barely has time to shake everyone’s hand and say ‘hello’ before it’s time to get into make-up. He somehow manages to skip over Webb entirely, but that’s only because the man was in the middle of making David laugh and he didn’t want to interrupt. And also, everyone else is already finished with make-up and ready to start the show, so he really doesn’t have time for pleasantries. Besides, they’ve already been introduced, by David, on several occasions. He wouldn’t say they were friendly, per se, but they’re definitely acquainted, so a nonchalant nod whenever the other man happens to glance over would be a perfectly adequate greeting, as David would have put it.

Later, while Rob is doing the introductions of David’s team members and jokingly presents Webb as “David Mitchell’s writing partner, acting partner and friend, his confidant, his soul mate, his lover…”, Lee barely has time to mask his feelings before the cameras are on him, in fact he might have failed, but he quickly makes up for it by lounging head-first into his comic persona and giving it his all the first chance he gets.

After a while, he realises that he’s been directing most of his energy and jokes at David. And not in his customary way by making David the butt of his jokes and they bicker back and forth, but rather putting on a show just for him. Miming “Bananas” in some impersonation of the officer his team mate’s been talking about, he looks straight at David the whole time and possibly goes on a bit longer than strictly necessary. But David maintains eye contact with him the entire time and generously laughs with the audience at his display. It’s enough to make Lee warm all over and sort of fluttery, it always is. Sometimes he thinks the only reason he’s still doing this program, is the chance to make David laugh on a regular basis.

But of course Webb has stolen David’s attention away before the audience’s laughter has completely subsided, since it’s his time to read out his card, and Lee silently curses both Rob and the game. But irritation quickly morphs into anger at Webb, and at David for drinking him in with his gaze like that and laughing with such fondness at absolutely everything he says.

Thinking on his feet, Lee does something completely unexpected during the segment called “This is my…” that even has David thrown for a loop, just to get his attention back, and claims that he doesn’t in fact know the person at all, but dragged him off the street because the person who was supposed to be there couldn’t make it. Eventually David’s team moves on to question his team mates, but funnily enough Lee finds himself okay with that. As long as his attention is directed anywhere but at his soul mate over there, he thinks and immediately feels stupid for thinking it.

Of course, he can’t help but throw in a jibe during David’s interaction with Katy, a jibe that may or may not leak some of his sour feelings.

“What is this thing you call ‘love’, human?”

At David’s confused chuckle and look of ‘What was that?’, Lee turns away and focuses on the audience instead, laughing with them even as a tiny voice at the back of his head goes ‘Yeah, what was that?’ and he finds himself torn between hoping David won’t read too much into it and hoping that he will.

  
The show continues in much the same fashion. Unable to stop himself, Lee finds himself spouting comments and jibes whenever David and Webb seem to get awfully in sync, like when they gang up on Katy about the door/tray in the vending machine she claims she once got her foot stuck in, calling them ‘Good cop, Gy-bye cop’, earning yet another confused chuckle from David and once again looking away. Simultaneously, he also manages to weave in his wife and/or children in basically every anecdote he tells, in some poor attempt to counter the, admittedly fictional yet still close, relationship David has with Webb. More and more, the show he’s putting on for David is veering away from making him laugh at all. Whereas Webb he barely acknowledges at all. He hopes the audience hasn’t noticed. When Webb makes an active attempt to engage with him, by commenting on his story about taking self-defence lessons, again with his wife, he favours the comment with a laugh, but it’s polite at best and he can’t help himself from rounding it up with a rather sarcastic ‘haa haa’.

After recording is over and they’ve all signed some autographs and shaken some hands, they all scatter off backstage. Lee is gasping for a smoke, but rather than having it on his way from the studio, he heads to the studio’s smoking area, hoping to catch David with every intention of being cool towards him, and not ‘cool’ in the sense of ‘hip’, either but in the passive-aggressive fashion only couples are reduced to.

The voice at the back of his head reminds him cruelly that he and David aren’t exactly a couple and he feels rather sick to his stomach, but continues to the smoking area anyway. As he walks out of the studio he apparently also walks in on a private conversation between David and Webb, considering they’re standing suspiciously close together and, even more suspiciously, stop conversing abruptly when he arrives on the scene.

For the first time ever, it occurs to Lee that maybe David and Webb _are_ a couple and Lee is David’s secret lover, just like David is his, and the thought makes him cringe. Especially when Webb clears his throat discretely and David tears his gaze away from Lee and stares at the ground instead.

“I’ll see you later”, Webb murmurs and David nods.

As he passes, Webb gives Lee one of those polite but pinched smiles and Lee realises that he and David are about to have a Talk, and that Webb apparently knows this. He wonders exactly how weird it would be if he were to run away right now. But also notices that David is flicking ash from his cigarette rather passive-aggressively and looking decidedly snippy, so he stays put, on principle more than anything because if anyone in this undefined relationship has got the right to be snippy right now, it’s him. There’s no rational explanation for why that is that he can think of, but he still feels positive that that is in fact the case.

“Have one of mine?” David mutters and holds out his pack of cigarettes.

The fact that he chose to use that phrase and not, say, ‘Care to bum a fag?’, alerts Lee to just how annoyed the other man is. Of course it bothers him a little, as it always does when David is upset in some way, mainly because it so rarely happens, because David is such a genuinely happy-go-lucky guy, and to be the one to make him upset stings even more, but he stubbornly maintains to himself that he’s the one who should be upset here, even though he’s steadily losing sight of what he’s supposed to be upset about.

“I’m good”, he says and gets his own pack out.

He lights a cigarette and for a good two minutes they smoke in silence, during which time David’s ash-flicking is getting more and more passive-aggressive and, in a partly subconscious effort to balance things out, Lee finds himself growing more and more subdued.

“Good, weren’t it?”, he offers, mostly to break the silence, because if he’s being honest with himself, it's rather getting to him.

“What, the show?” David huffs.

 _Definitely snippy, then_ , Lee thinks.

“Well, we got plenty of laughs”, David continues cryptically. “So I’m sure the _audience_ enjoyed it.”

Lee notices of course the pointed emphasis on the word ‘audience’, but refuses to rise to the bait.

“Okay”, David says suddenly. “We should probably talk, shouldn’t we.”

It’s not really a question, so Lee doesn’t exactly answer it. He feels the nausea making a coy comeback.

“Didn’t Webb say he’d wait for you to finish your smoke, shouldn’t you be getting on?”

“That’s not what he’s waiting for.”

“...Oh, right.”

“So, would you care to enlighten me as to what was going on in there today?”

“So you’re discussing me with your mate now, is that it?” he says, avoiding the question for as long as he can.

“Are you honestly telling me”, David demands whilst killing the distance between them, swiftly dropping the passive aspect of his aggression and tossing his cigarette butt to the ground mid-stride. “-that you’re jealous of Robert?”

“I’ve not told you any such thing, David”, Lee snipes right back.

“But you are, aren’t you?” David counters and then, without giving Lee a chance to reply, he ploughs on, clearly working himself up to quite the tantrum, the kind usually reserved for when he’s on stage. “Where do you get the _bloody nerve_ to drag my best friend and me into your warped, derailed frame of mind, on National television no less, on the sole basis of such a ludicrous- No, let me rephrase that, where do you get off getting jealous in the first place, especially after mentioning your _wife and kids_ at every conceivable opportunity? And _incidentally_ , how do you imagine that makes me feel, by the way? Or don’t you give a damn?”

“Well, if you’d let me get a bloody word in-!”

“Don’t yell at me!”

“Oh for Christ’s sake, this is ridiculous...”

“You know what!...”

David stops himself short and takes a deep breath, clearly calming himself down and Lee starts to feel light-headed because it's obvious David's not calming himself down so that they can have a rational conversation in order to work things out and eventually make up, but rather steeling himself. Lee knows that he should get his perspective in there before it’s too late. Problem is, he’s no idea what his perspective is, at this point.

“This… whatever _this_ is”, David continues. “Is clearly doing both of us more harm than good, and perhaps today’s… spectacle, is telling us that it’s time to move on…”

What Lee wants to say is _No_ , and _Hell no_ , and _Please, Please don’t do this, let’s backtrack and start this conversation over_ , and _I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry_ , and as he thinks this, he realises just how true it all is.

Of course, what he actually says is, “If that’s what you want.”

The look on David’s face, he can only describe as that of a rejected puppy and it’s all he can do to hold himself back from pulling him close.

“No”, David says and for a split-second Lee finds himself light with hope and relief, but then David goes on, “No, no, no, no, no, you don’t get to do that, you don’t get to put this on me, you cowardly _bastard_...”

David’s voice breaks a little halfway through the word ‘bastard’ but they both ignore it, David because that’s what he always does when his voice breaks, hoping as he does that the other person hasn’t noticed it, and Lee because David’s eyes have actually started to well up.

“You don’t get to make this my decision and pretend you haven’t been _pushing me away for weeks_ , instead of having the balls to break up with me like any normal, _decent person would_.”

“I’m sorry”, Lee finally says, but in this new context the words do more harm than not, to be honest.

David confirms this immediately by telling him to fuck off.

“No, David, really”, Lee insists and reaches out to him.

David promptly knocks his hand away and takes a step back.

“This is your doing, Lee. And if you dare to put it on me, I swear to God I’ll quit this show, contract be damned, and I’ll never speak to you again!”

It’s a ridiculous threat and they both know it. But Lee also knows that, even though David would never actually refuse to work with him, he will be out of his personal life for good unless by some miracle he manages to fix this within the next thirty seconds.

“Good thing you’re an atheist then”, he jokes, hoping to relieve some of the tension between them, but actually adds to it instead and he wonders exactly when he forgot how to talk to David without a studio audience present, and how come he never noticed until this moment.

David seems to be sharing this thought, judging by the resignation on his face and indeed his whole demeanour.

“Fine”, he says. “I’ll be the bigger man then, shall I?”

“Oh, come on…”

“You’re right, Rob’s waiting for me and this clearly isn’t getting us anywhere, I should go.”

“David-!”

“Bye Lee…”

When David does to brush by him, Lee reacts on pure instinct and steps in front of him. David huffs a little, then licks his lips again, which usually means he’s either getting fed up with an argument or is about to kiss you, and Lee is pretty sure it’s not the latter in this case.

“Don’t make this harder…” David says, refusing to look Lee directly in the eye, or anywhere near his face.

“David”, Lee implores.

“Please step aside.”

Lee does exactly the opposite and instead grabs David’s head and then proceeds to kiss him fully on the lips, deeply, and as passionately as he can manage with his heart stuck in his throat. For a moment, David melts into the kiss, but then he carefully pulls away from it, and Lee, and gently pushes him away again.

“I’ve really got to go”, he says.

“I can’t lose you, David.”

“Oh please don’t patronise me by bombarding me with clichés, Lee. I’ll see you next week…”

“I don’t care about the bloody show-!”

“Which one”, David snaps. “The televised one or the one you’re hiding from your wife?”

“Look, if I’ve pushed you away, or seemed distant, or acted like an arsehole-“

“Yes.”

“-it’s only because my feelings for you has been getting the better of me, alright.”

“What, how does that make _any_ sort of sense?”

“It makes sense, because _clearly_ , I’m finding it harder and harder to keep this from Tara and it’s getting more and more difficult to hide my feelings for you, because, clearly, I’m… you know… falling in love with you. And it’s only out of sheer self-preservation that I’ve been putting some distance between us, less I do something drastic and foolish and ruin everything.”

David takes a deep breath.

“I rest my case”, he says, almost kindly.

“No, no”, Lee protests, then swiftly shifting tactics and going for the offensive instead, even as his voice is thickening with barely repressed emotion. “What, you’re doing this for my benefit, are you? You just wanted a good time, no strings attached, and now that I’m dragging my pathetic feelings into it, you decide that enough is enough, better stop now before someone, i.e. me, gets really hurt, time to move on. Now who’s spouting clichés!”

“You’ve got to be joking…”

“Usually, but not in this particular instance, David. And I’m sorry I have feelings, that I’m not as free-spirited as Robert bloody Webb-!”

“On what, precisely, do you base this half-baked notion that I’m not entertaining any romantic feelings towards you whatsoever, that all this time I’ve been subjecting myself to this _Harlequin charade_ by playing the part of the _other woman_ purely out of sexual attraction, I mean, do you even know me at all?”

“I’m just explaining why I might have been acting a bit-“

“I don’t give a damn-!”

“Clearly!”

“Okay, so you think I’m all about casual sex, I don’t know where you got that idea but okay, and out of the two of us, me being the single, partially out homosexual and you being the dedicated family man, _you’re_ the romantic one and in order to _shield yourself_ from the callous, cold-hearted manner in which I’ve apparently been _toying with your feelings_ , you proceed to push me away and pull me back again, repeatedly, over the course of two-three months and then to top things off, you act like a royal _git_ in front of our colleagues, a live studio audience and I don’t know how many viewers at home, because my best mate happens to be one of the guest panellist and _you’re jealous_! Does that pretty much sum things up, Lee?”

To which Lee replies, “I love you.”

David seems to deflate then. He merely shakes his head and looks away as he blinks some wetness out of his eyes. He actually wipes his mouth with his hand this time, and Lee doesn’t know exactly what that means or if it’s better or worse than when he licks them. It feels worse, though.

“I know I’ve never said that before, and I know that makes me an idiot, but it’s the truth. I really do love you, David…”

“Lee…”

“I’ve been in love with you for months.”

“And I’ve been in love with you since the second time we met”, David mutters.

“I know.”

“No you can’t have.”

“Yeah I can, because I can read you, and I do know you, and I know that in real life you would never kiss someone, let alone go to bed with them, unless you had some kind of feelings for that person…”

“I don’t want to believe you could have known that, because I don’t want to believe you’re that cruel.”

“H-how is that cruel, when I love you too-?”

“You’re married!”

“I know…”

“You have kids.”

“Yeah, I know that too.”

“Stop being funny! You’re a closeted, married man with kids with no intention of leaving your wife, and despite apparently knowing how I feel about you, you’re still trying to get me to stay! You selfish bastard…”

“If you want me to get a divorce, I will”, he blurts out.

He’s never even considered divorce, so the words surprise him more than they surprise David. But as he hears himself say them, it doesn’t seem like such a farfetched idea as he might have thought it would. And when David’s eyes grew impossibly larger and he stutters out a ‘don’t say that’ to which Lee counters that he means it, he realises that he does in fact mean it.

“Stop it! You’re making this worse-!”

“David”, another voice says suddenly.

The two men whip around and notice Webb watching them, or rather David, worriedly from the doorway. Lee takes a step back from David on pure instinct, but if he noticed Webb makes no acknowledgement of it, in fact he’s very pointedly ignoring Lee altogether, keeping his entire focus on David.

“You alright, mate?” he murmurs.

“Yes”, David mumbles as a subtle blush creeps onto his face. “Were we being really loud?”

“Kinda”, Webb admits. “But I wouldn’t worry, most people have left for lunch… Sorry if you didn’t want me to interrupt.”

“Are you”, Lee can’t help but to mutter.

“Wasn’t talking to you, mate”, Webb answers politely, but gives him a sharpish look as he says it.

“No, it’s alright, Robert”, David assures him. “I’m fine, it’s all fine, really. We weren’t even fighting, not exactly.”

“What were doing then, David?” Lee asks, but the other two men ignores him.

“But I’m ready to go now”, David adds. “Thank you for sticking around.”

Webb gives him a crooked smile.

“No problem. I’ll just go and get the car then, so you guys can… I don’t know…”

“Yes, thank you.”

After the door has closed and they’re alone again, David finally turns to Lee and says, “Well then…” in that way of his. _But this time it sounds awfully definite_ , Lee thinks.

“This cannot be happening…” he murmurs.

“Don’t pretend you don’t think this is the right thing to do.”

“Look”, Lee says, allowing himself to let some of his desperation show. “I’ll get a divorce, I’ll move in with you, I’ll come out, to our friends and family or publicly whichever you’d prefer, I’ll even do it on next week’s show, you can be my ‘This is my…’ if you want-!”

David actually snorts at the last bit, and there’s a fondness in his eyes and it makes Lee’s heart swell, more than ever, but it’s still a small victory.

“Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it, I love you.”

David looks away, the blush still present on his cheeks and growing bigger as Lee continues to tell him how extremely attracted he is to him.

“Stop”, David mumbles.

“Well I am, so sue me, I fancy you rotten, not literally, and I love you, and I want a life with you, for as long as you’ll put up with me.”

“Oh, we’re proposing now-!”

“…I’ll marry you”, Lee adds, as though he’d meant to all along.

David snorts again and shakes his head.

“Alright, enough already”, he says. “You’re embarrassing us both, and Robert if he’s still eavesdropping.”

“Please – I don’t care if he is, or if anyone is – please don’t break up with me, David…”

“Okay, look…”

“Please.”

“Seriously-“

“Please.”

“Will you-“

“Pretty please.”

“Oh, fine! Tell you what! If you… get down on one knee during next week’s show, and repeat most of what you just told me, you can leave out the part of being sexually attracted to me, whilst presenting me with an _actual engagement ring_ , then I promise I’ll say ‘yes’! Alright? Now just…”

He gestures vaguely with his hand.

“I have to go, so please just… I’ll see you next week, alright…”

And then he’s gone. And once the door has closed a second time, and Lee is standing utterly alone in studio smoking area, several thoughts simultaneously occur to him. One, as far as David is concerned they’re now broken up because no way is the scenario he just described ever going to take place. Two, as far as Lee himself is concerned, they’re definitely not broken up nor will they be as long as he has the power to stop it, which leads him to number three, that he’ll actually have to go through with the public proposal as previously described in a week’s time. Which in turn leads him to the painful realisation that he has a week to make up his mind about leaving Tara or, as his mind is more or less made up already, work up the courage to actually do it.

Oh, and five, his forgotten cigarette has burned itself up to the filter by now. A realisation that rather pales in comparison to the others and to the fact that he’s facing the biggest decision of his life to date, yet at the same time it's a rather fitting symbol of the whole situation somehow.

 

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> I just "discovered" both Lee Mack and David Mitchell, although I've seen (and loved) them both on QI in the past, of course. But I only recently discovered the slash potential and have been watching WILTY on Youtube almost obsessively in the past few days, and now I've written this! I hope you liked it :)


End file.
